The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
