I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
