if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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