How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
