my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Can I color on your dick again?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
