but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
