I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Do you remember whose house we're in?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
