My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
