hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
