i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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