i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
