If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
