and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
