i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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