I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
