That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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