Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
