just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
