Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
