She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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