I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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