I'm jealous of your bromance
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
