a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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