I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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