I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
