I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
