I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
