So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
