put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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