I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
