Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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