Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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