you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
