i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
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I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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