The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
