I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
