mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
