Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
