my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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