a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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