someone owes me an orgasm
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
