On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
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i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So here I am, sexting at work.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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