You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
