i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
