Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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