Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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