I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
