Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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