I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
