so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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