please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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