I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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