how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
