my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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