i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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