Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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