At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
