Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
