im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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